Monday, 13 June 2011

Delusions of belonging

It’s weird but I thought I would have mentioned this before but I just did a quick search and I couldn't find it.  So I’m sorry if you have read some of this previously. I don’t like this long weekend very much. It’s a combination of factors – all family related.  Which bring me to my delusions of belonging.

My extended family live about 3 hours drive away (if you don’t stop).  We probably visit them every school holidays for at least a few days. and for a while my aunt and uncle would come here once a year tacked on to their weekend away that they have every June as it generally coincided with my mum’s birthday.

Every June long weekend the majority of my extended family come half way to where we live and have a get together.  With their family and friends. We were invited once probably 5 years ago, although it could have been the year my Mum died so 4 years ago.  We have never been invited again.  Not sure why and I’m afraid to ask.  But it cuts me up every time it happens.

Happy family and friend photos on Facebook. Comments about the family but we are not included.  I guess it’s because I have spent most of my life interstate and I guess we are kind of out of sight and out of mind. However, it’s the June Long weekend again and my family are about 90 minutes away celebrating a big family event.  I’m sad.  My cousin’s are all there, with their spouses and children and some of their family friends.  My heart broke when I read that my cousins brother in law’s post on Facebook about how happy he is to be part of their extended family.

The fact that my In Laws don’t care about us at all, unless they need something  (I had a heated conversation with a Sister in Law recently about this) and my family not even offering for us to visit them for a few hours for a big event I’m shattered.  Absolutely shattered.  I know that they are closer to other people due to having strong social ties but it’s like we are a complete afterthought or in this case a non thought.

I had delusions that after my mother died we would be accepted as part of the family again but apparently not.  I call at least and email few times a month, we go and visit at least 4 times a year.  These people have known me all my life.  I even spent parts of my childhood with them.  They were closer to me than my own parents.

When you are happy and celebrating you’d rather be with people you know and like rather than with people where all you really share is a blood tie.  But it still hurts.

All I can do is put on a happy face next time I talk to them and hope that my mask doesn't crack.


Janelle said...

That's horrible. I'm sorry to hear you are being left out. You mention that you had an argument recently with your sister-in-law about only being called when something is wanted of you. Why don't you ask someone in this extended family group why you aren't invited year after year? What have you got to lose?

E. said...

I guess I already feel that nothing is going to change. I am only one member of the big extended family and when I look at it like it makes sense but it still cuts.

If I do ask I'll do it in person.

Thanks. I think I just need to change my perception on this thing too. :)

Leanne said...

Hmmmm. That sucks! They don't deserve you E. I'm sad to hear you feel this way. There's nothing worse than feeling intentionally left out.

But if it's any consolation try not to take it personally nor make assumptions. It could just be a case of mis-communication or lack of responsibility than a targeted attack to consciously leave you guys out.

There's a book I read that helps me get through situations just like this one ... it's called "The Four Agreements" (based on Toltec wisdoms) and you can buy it at Big W. It's simple and easy to read. It really helps to put things in perspective and to tweak perception (so that you can better deal with the rudeness and lack of respect of others)....

We should organise another catch up! I have a hankering for one of those pizzas ... (maybe I can loan you the book then)


Suzi said...

Leanne is right, they dont deserve you. Something I struggle with often is the way people who are always there for others tend to be taken for granted in the hard times and left out in the cold during the fun times.
You are a rock to many people E. Im sorry you are being treated this way.


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