Friday, 25 May 2012


I'm tired. My head hurts. My brain seems just seems to be going faster and faster. I'm worrying, as usual.

The other day I cried when Mr E. told me that Dr Jesse didn't give Boy Child a script for an Asthma medication that he has been on since he was 2. Over emotional, much?

Now it sounds irrational but to put it in context, the last time Boy Child stopped taking this preventative medication he ended up at Emergency twice in three days. Given the second time he was already taking Pred (steroid we use for bad asthma exacerbations) I'm not very comfortable that he is off his preventer medication again. Admittedly, it was probably 4 years ago but the regime he has been on since he was 2 has worked for us and the longest visit to Emergency has only been about 5 hours.


I can't remember if I mentioned this to you all, but Boy Child had a number of altercations of another child in his year during last year. Boy Child defended two friends from this boy (whom I will refer to as C) on three seperate occasions and was also punched several times in the head by C in yet another incident. At the end of the year we were told that C would be attending a different school for at least 6 months possibly a year. However, C is now back at school. So far Boy Child hasn't had any contact with C, thankfully. Boy had to make statement to the Police about one of the incidents, I've been a little concerned about C being back at school. So far, so good.

Maybe my worries are all for nothing. I hope so.


This weekend, I'm planning on getting more sleep and spending less time worrying. How about you?


Monday, 14 May 2012

Family, responsibility belonging and all that jazz

This post is a bit of an angsty brain dump. Thanks to anyone who actually gets to the end!

Recently, I went to Sydney to see some relatives that I don't see very often, my sister, her husband and children. My immediate family was complicated and I feel like the odd one out, sort of the fifth wheel even in my own family. My sister and I didn't grow up together. I was the only child in my house and she was the youngest child and only girl in her house.

We met at my grandmother's house with my aunt and a few others. All up there were 15 of us - with 8 aged 13 and below. I felt sorry for my nieces meeting up with people who were family by blood but who they had never met. We are very lucky that my sister and her family have been very gracious and are happy to spend time with us. For us it was a big day. We had 12 hours away from home with 7 of that on the road. But it was lovely and we hadn't seen my nieces since 2009. It was great to see them again.

While we were there my aunt and grandmother offered to look after Boy and Girl for a weekend later in the year. I was blown away. I even got tears in my eyes. I cannot remember that offer being made ever before. I'm not sure we will take them up on it, it seems to be an offer based on us possibly going interstate to see my sister for a special occasion later in the year. But if we were going to go, it would tie in with a conference Mr E. goes to. Logistically it would more difficult to get the kids to Sydney, then fly out of Sydney return for me but then back home for Mr E. after the conference.

It has made me wonder why this offer has been made. Why now? Why not earlier in the 5 years since my mother died? They are our closest family members. They have offered something I have been envious of other people for having and I'm not sure what to make of it.

The following day at a small fair Mr E and I got our eyes looked at by a New Agey herbalist guy. It wasn't iridology exactly but to a layperson (me) it seemed similar. You can find a description here. Somehow looking at our eyes gave an insight into our health, our birth order and Family Tree Dynamics.

My eye - the window to my soul?

I wanted to see if a non western medicine practitioner could find any reason for my headache. Apparently my eyes indicate I need some herbal stuff: mostly iris for my headache and some others or other stuff. Hopefully they will help my headache.

But it was the whole family dynamics things that made me unsettled. Apparently my name is strong and is generally given to the first born daughter. I explained that I have no idea what number child I am on one side and on the other I was not the first born, but the first (and only one) in that family. According to New Age Guy, I feel responsibile for things, I worry too much and I need to be careful that I get time out. I need naps sunshine and to spend time being silly, especially with Girl Child. Otherwise, she will become overly responsible as I have become, which was apparently due to me mimicking my mothers behaviour.

But I have tried so hard to not become like my mother. I don't want to damage my children as I was damaged. What if it's just fated that we repeat history? So far, I think we have done okay but one of my greatest fears is screwing up the kids. Damaging them beyond repair. I don't know how to fight that fear. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be the good enough parent that they deserve.

So, I've been left pondering family (I love them very much) and where I fit in; responsibility and fate. I feel no closer to the answers. I've always felt you can change your fate by the choices you make. What if I'm wrong? What if I never fit in?

These are the things I ponder. I'll let you know if I come up with a resolution or if the headache miraculously improves.


Saturday, 5 May 2012

Issues of trust

I have issues trusting people. Always have. Put it down to my childhood. I thought I'd put that out there as I often wonder if it's just me over reacting to this situation. I was told yesterday by Mr E. to stop over thinking things on a completely different matter, so really it could be just me. Then again, yesterday I asked a friend about her thoughts on this situation that has concerned me for a few months now. It seems perhaps my distrust is about normal level. So given Mr E. is sick of hearing about this I thought I'd debrief by putting it all out there.

Earlier this year I went out to with coffee with a friend. That's something I do fairly regularly with a number of people and had with this person as well. Due to Christmas, school holidays and other things we hadn't managed to catch up for a few months. Pretty much the moment I arrived, a bombshell was dropped on me. Her husband had been having an affair with a mutual friend for several months.

I was stunned. I was close to this other woman (OW) and knew her husband to casually chat to as well. I had no idea what to say to my friend let alone how to deal with the information. At the time I considered OW a close friend and to say I was blown away was an understatement.

Once I started thinking about things, I could see little things that OW had said or done which at the time seemed a big off to me but I'd just not worried about them. But once the the wheels started turning I remembered a lot of things that seemed just not quite right to me. Considering the circumstances, saying I felt betrayed sounds wrong. But That's how I felt. From there I started wondering how much of my friendship with OW was fake.

After ensuring that my friend was as okay as possible (given the situation), I wrestled with the information I had most of the day. I decided that I would reveal that I knew because I'm no good at keeping secrets and my perception of OW had changed significantly. I knew that I wouldn't be able to relate to her as I normally would.

So I did. She cried and I felt bad. OW and I had coffee the following day. I listened to her side of the story. She knew that he had told his wife about the affair but was surprised my friend had told me. From OW I discovered that they had been considering leaving their spouses and moving in together. She also knew that my friend had given him an ultimatum to stop the affair or leave.

After it sank in, I told them that I wanted to remain friends with them both. My plan was to remain an impartial party who unfortunately got dumped in the middle of a messy sitatuation. I have, although it has been difficult to understand what is so attractive about this bloke and why neither woman seemed angry at him. I know that my friend and her husband are trying to work it out. OW and her husabnd seem to be okay although he isn't aware of the affair. My stand with him is to be polite and unless i'm ever asked a direct question i will not be sharing what i know with him. OW is aware of my stance on this.

Apart from Mr E. until this week I had told no one about this. My issue is that now I don't trust OW. I don't think our friendship will ever go back to the way it was. I wonder when she says she is having lunch with a friend, whether it really is just a lunch or something more. I wonder if it will be possibleto ever get back to a place of total trust. Maybe I am just over thinking it.

Have you ever rebuilt trust that was lost? Any insight or advice for me?

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

'Happy Days' in May Project

Last year Naomi from Seven Cherubs ran a Happiness Project in May last year. This year she has:

It's all about recognising the moments of happiness you have in every day life. Naomi says:

I love that this project involves only one sentence a day and a short time for me to reflect each night on what has stood out as a great moment during my busy day. This idea and project is manageable. It is simple and a way for me to put pen to paper quickly each day. It also allows me to be more grateful, to count my blessings and to be aware of my family and surroundings. I need that reminder right now.

I know I often need that reminder so I'm joining in. I'll be writing my happy moments down and then revealing them sometime after the end of the month. There's a linky on Naomi's post if you would like to join in. So far there are 50 people joined up. Oh, if you were like me and tried to link up earlier but had an issue, the linky is working now.


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