It seems a few people have deep an meaningful subjects on their blogs at the moment so I thought I would join in. Today’s post is not for the faint hearted. Or for those who have triggers, self harm etc. Proceed at your own risk!
Okay, everyone cleared out? Let’s go then.
I was in contact with a friend the other day. Just checking up to see how she was as she had been having a bad one the day before. Her response started out with: “Sometimes I just feel like joining a gun club and I don’t know why that happens….”
This isn't the first time that I have had messages like this and after the Oh F@#K! moment I generally go into coffee mode. Because that's what I do. A long, long time ago I was the person who needed to be talked down from the edge. I have had the black cloud descend over me and managed to live to the tale. But it took a lot of time and effort. I know the effort it took to get well, it’s damn hard. Both on my part and the part of my family.
What frustrates me is though about this is that the pain I had and put my family through I had already lived through once. When I was a child I had a parent who had issues. As an adult I have been told it was most likely Borderline Personality Disorder but as a child it was mostly keeping out of people’s way, watching knives be slashed around, or pushed into a stomach, and stuff.
So I’ve had experience dealing with this side of human nature but it still didn’t stop it happening to me and affecting those around me. So… when I see / hear it happening to anyone else I have this idea that maybe I can help. Maybe I can talk them down from the edge. Just to give them and their family a break from the very thin ledge that they are on. Fortunately for my friends family her ventures to the edge (shall we say) seem to be few and far between and hidden from the children.
But the thing is that talking about suicide is a BIG taboo here in Australia. People who commit suicide are considered selfish. To those left behind suicide is a selfish choice. It’s often seen as a way of just checking out when life gets too hard. But unless you have been there, at that edge, then you don’t actually understand. Because seriously, when some people make the choice to suicide they actually think that they are making life better for their families. I know I did. I felt that the world (especially my family) would would be so much better off without me.
Maybe it was a left over from my childhood when I hoped that my parent would top themselves so I didn't have to deal with the crap and threats anymore. But I have spoken to a lot of people and it does seem that often suicide is seen (by the person on the edge anyway) a way of saving themselves and their loved ones the pain of their continued existence. I know that’s how my thought process worked. In those dark days, I believed that my choice/s were protecting my loved ones.
I am very glad to still be here. I’m glad I had a fingernail grip on the edge of the cliff and managed to clamber back on up.
I just thought I’d add my thoughts the the posts going around at the moment. I hope no one minds.
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10 comments:
You are a beautiful person to bravely share this. xx
I'm a firm believer in choices. Not all are popular or understood but are relevant nonetheless. Thank you for being so candid.
I agree with MM. Brave. Thank you for sharing such a personal glimpse. A thoughtful position. One obviously based on personal experience and decisions. Thanks for sharing that too.
You know E, you are one brave woman to write about this. What you say is right. Often we think that people who attempt suicide are selfish and coward but honestly, it takes courage to end a life especially if it is self. Thank you sharing your story, i can at least believe that we are not alone. Hugs
I don't know how close I was to actually doing something to myself, I don't know if it was more of a cry for help but I do know how you felt. I am glad you are still her and you shared your story.
I think you've done the right thing, sharing your thoughts about this issue. It's important that we really talk about it.
Talking about suicide is taboo world over. Not just Aus unfortunately. The problem is people believe that talking directly about suicide will "give the person ideas" or "lead someone to committing suicide". Which is a load of bull and not supported by an iota of research. I think we should really talk more and more about it at schools...make it a part of the PDHPE curriculum in high school so that at least kids learn to recognise the signs themselves and can talk to someone about it. I used to think suicide was a cowardly act (when I was younger). I know better now. It's because the person feels utterly and completely hopeless...to the point where they don't see any other choice. You've probably had to go through a lot (living with a parent with BPD) and good on you for sharing with us. Take care!
I really didn't know what to say ..but it takes immense courage to do what you just did ..bare your heart ..and I am glad you did ..
Talkin about it is the biggest battle and you've won it :)
Hi everyone. Thanks for your comments. I wasn't sure what to expect when I posted this. I was afraid it would generate lots of negative somments and thoughts but it doesn't seem to have.
I went away a few days after I posted and have come home to discover 110 views of this post. so I am very grateful to everyone who has read this. I also beleive that talking about things like this is important for us as a society.
E., I can relate soooo so very much because you are right - it is important to talk about and I, too, have felt there's too much wiping of the hands about suicide and people assuming "it's a coward's way out." I nearly did it. I would have, but wasn't thinking clearly enough about the means. And I can safely say, there was no grand act, no cowardice, no forethought... the only thing I could rationalise was exactly what you've said: I needed to rid my family and husband of my presence because I was in their way.
Very poignant post.
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