Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Weirdness of my feelings

I’m one of those weird people who feel homesick before I leave home.  I guess I get pre-emptively homesick so that then I can enjoy actually being away from home.  Or not.

I had an appointment with the GP yesterday.  I was already annoyed with him. I think this post may have given my feelings away.  But now I’ve decided that I am done with him.  Completely and utterly done.  So I will be seeing a different GP at a different surgery later this week.  But the thing is I feel bad.  I feel as though I am betraying this guy who has looked after my family’s health for over 5 years.

And the job? The one that does my head in, the one Mr E. often asked me when I was getting rid of it?  The one where the committee decided that I should put my health first and will be taking the job off me?  I am so totally pissed about it.  I’m angry and sad about losing a job I didn’t want to keep in the first place. What is going on with me?

How can I be feeling sad about things that I won’t actually miss?

I guess it’s kind of like when someone you don’t have a good relationship with leaves or dies.  Someone (a psychologist) once told me while you may not miss the person themselves, you miss the ideal of what the relationship could have been.  

Umm… maybe that’s it.  Maybe I’m feeling some sort of loss about these things because I’m perceiving these events in the light that I have really had limited choice. 

Or maybe I’m just weird.

Thanks for dropping by, you can return to your regular lives now.


Madmother said...

Or it just could be like me... I hate change. Any change. I live in my regular world with my regular stuff and that is fine thanks.

Sound like someone else? And they wonder about his genetics...

Sam-O said...

I think that missing the ideal of what it could be is exactly what it's all about! I bet you even have a twinge of it when you go to the new Doctor - I'm so exactly like this and I feel like I'm weird too!!

Leanne said...

Not weird at all E! These things have happened at a time when you're already questioning your life purpose and forward direction. I just read the book you loaned me. I can see how it impacted on you so much. It had an impact on me too! The illness and the job loss were both pretty much out of your control, which compounds the feelings associated with "who is E?" But it's ok. You need this little dip in the road to start moving upwards again ... you watch ... with a new Dr, new job options and new friends limitless opportunity will come your way ... and then you'll get to feel a whole new version of weird! Hope your headaches aren't knocking you around too much and that a prognosis (and some relief) comes your way very soon.
Shall we catch up in a couple of weeks?

Suzi said...

Your not weird.
As for the GP? Good riddence to bad rubbish, you owe him nothing. Having the choice to leave a job taken away from you even if you never liked it in the first place, is hard to swallow. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so here's to a happy, headache free future!


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