February – NOT a good month

Thanks everyone who commented on my post about felling off the face of the earth… It was nice to know I’m not the only person who worries about other bloggers.

I was thinking about sharing some of my angst with you and I still may do but today life seems to suck so much for those around me.  This is probably going to be all over the place, just like my head right now.

WARNING – Death, miscarriage etc mentioned a lot! 

February is the month my mother died.  February was the month my friend was left a widow with 3 young children after being the carer for her husband for years.  These things have happened 3 and 2 years ago respectively and I try to make a point of having coffee with my friend every week or so to see how she is doing.

See that’s me… I’m not the person who will give you a hug, will rarely give you flowers but am the one who says would you like to go for a coffee?  I can deal with other people’s stuff, I have had lots of practice at it.  I think in part it comes from being the adult in the family form age 5.  For me coffee and offering coffee is the whole getting out of the house, away from the situation and getting a break.  When I’m stressed or out of my comfort zone I live on coffee, hence my 101 in 1001 to only have 3 or less caffeinated beverages a day.

Anyway today someone I know (a friend of a friend) showed up at school with her kids and cried.   I knew her mum has had cancer long term and her step father also does.  What I hadn’t realised was her mum had gone into the hospice a few weeks ago and her stepfather is also in a bad way and in hospital.  Her mum probably only has a week to go. So if that’s not hard enough to deal with, on the weekend a family member – a young child, passed away.  Another life here one minute gone the next.  How much are these people supposed to deal with?

Talking to family on the phone. Just the usual conversation and then in pops: “Oh so and so had another miscarriage.  Twins this time.”  So and so is a member of the extended family who had a still born baby about 18 months ago I think and I believe that was after a miscarriage.  Then last year was the miscarriage that would have been about 18 weeks… so close to what the authorities recognise as a stillbirth.  And now another miscarriage and 2 babies gone…  1 family, 5 babies lost. I have no words.

It’s things like this that make me wonder why? Why are we here? Why did bad things happen to good people? Why do innocent little children get taken? Why do some babies never get to take a breath?

I feel that my hold on my emotions is gone and any minute now I’m going to end up in a sobbing mess.  Useless really. See this is where I confess that I really don’t miss my mother much, she was a difficult person (maybe people will say the same about me but hopefully not to the same extent).  But I really miss the idea of the mother I needed and wanted.  I miss my dad.  He died in March while I was in hospital losing the plot, almost eleven years ago. 

And my friend the widow… she doesn't do February /early March well.  There is both his and her birthdays and the anniversary of his death all in the space of about a week.  She shuts down and won’t let me take her for coffee.  And that’s the only damn thing I know how to do!