Recently, I went to Sydney to see some relatives that I don't see very often, my sister, her husband and children. My immediate family was complicated and I feel like the odd one out, sort of the fifth wheel even in my own family. My sister and I didn't grow up together. I was the only child in my house and she was the youngest child and only girl in her house.
We met at my grandmother's house with my aunt and a few others. All up there were 15 of us - with 8 aged 13 and below. I felt sorry for my nieces meeting up with people who were family by blood but who they had never met. We are very lucky that my sister and her family have been very gracious and are happy to spend time with us. For us it was a big day. We had 12 hours away from home with 7 of that on the road. But it was lovely and we hadn't seen my nieces since 2009. It was great to see them again.
While we were there my aunt and grandmother offered to look after Boy and Girl for a weekend later in the year. I was blown away. I even got tears in my eyes. I cannot remember that offer being made ever before. I'm not sure we will take them up on it, it seems to be an offer based on us possibly going interstate to see my sister for a special occasion later in the year. But if we were going to go, it would tie in with a conference Mr E. goes to. Logistically it would more difficult to get the kids to Sydney, then fly out of Sydney return for me but then back home for Mr E. after the conference.
It has made me wonder why this offer has been made. Why now? Why not earlier in the 5 years since my mother died? They are our closest family members. They have offered something I have been envious of other people for having and I'm not sure what to make of it.
The following day at a small fair Mr E and I got our eyes looked at by a New Agey herbalist guy. It wasn't iridology exactly but to a layperson (me) it seemed similar. You can find a description here. Somehow looking at our eyes gave an insight into our health, our birth order and Family Tree Dynamics.
My eye - the window to my soul?
I wanted to see if a non western medicine practitioner could find any reason for my headache. Apparently my eyes indicate I need some herbal stuff: mostly iris for my headache and some others or other stuff. Hopefully they will help my headache.
But it was the whole family dynamics things that made me unsettled. Apparently my name is strong and is generally given to the first born daughter. I explained that I have no idea what number child I am on one side and on the other I was not the first born, but the first (and only one) in that family. According to New Age Guy, I feel responsibile for things, I worry too much and I need to be careful that I get time out. I need naps sunshine and to spend time being silly, especially with Girl Child. Otherwise, she will become overly responsible as I have become, which was apparently due to me mimicking my mothers behaviour.
But I have tried so hard to not become like my mother. I don't want to damage my children as I was damaged. What if it's just fated that we repeat history? So far, I think we have done okay but one of my greatest fears is screwing up the kids. Damaging them beyond repair. I don't know how to fight that fear. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be the good enough parent that they deserve.
So, I've been left pondering family (I love them very much) and where I fit in; responsibility and fate. I feel no closer to the answers. I've always felt you can change your fate by the choices you make. What if I'm wrong? What if I never fit in?
These are the things I ponder. I'll let you know if I come up with a resolution or if the headache miraculously improves.