A very heavy post…Suicidal ideation discussed

It seems a few people have deep an meaningful subjects on their blogs at the moment so I thought I would join in. Today’s post is not for the faint hearted. Or for those who have triggers, self harm etc.  Proceed at your own risk!

 

Okay, everyone cleared out?  Let’s go then.

 

I was in contact with a friend the other day. Just checking up to see how she was as she had been having a bad one the day before. Her response started out with: “Sometimes I just feel like joining a gun club and I don’t know why that happens….”

This isn't the first time that I have had messages like this and after the Oh F@#K! moment I generally go into coffee mode.  Because that's what I do.  A long, long time ago I was the person who needed to be talked down from the edge.  I have had the black cloud descend over me and managed to live to the tale. But it took a lot of time and effort. I know the effort it took to get well, it’s damn hard. Both on my part and the part of my family.

What frustrates me is though about this is that the pain I had and put my family through I had already lived through once. When I was a child I had a parent who had issues. As an adult I have been told it was most likely Borderline Personality Disorder but as a child it was mostly keeping out of people’s way, watching knives be slashed around, or pushed into a stomach, and stuff.

So I’ve had experience dealing with this side of human nature but it still didn’t stop it happening to me and affecting those around me. So… when I see / hear it happening to anyone else I have this idea that maybe I can help. Maybe I can talk them down from the edge. Just to give them and their family a break from the very thin ledge that they are on.  Fortunately for my friends family her ventures to the edge (shall we say) seem to be few and far between and  hidden from the children.

But the thing is that talking about suicide is a BIG taboo here in Australia.  People who commit suicide are considered selfish.  To those left behind suicide is a selfish choice. It’s often seen as a way of just checking out when life gets too hard.  But unless you have been there, at that edge, then you don’t actually understand.  Because seriously, when some people make the choice to suicide they actually think that they are making life better for their families.  I know I did.  I felt that the world (especially my family) would would be so much better off without me.

Maybe it was a left over from my childhood when I hoped that my parent would top themselves so I didn't have to deal with the crap and threats anymore.  But I have spoken to a lot of people and it does seem that often suicide is seen (by the person on the edge anyway) a way of saving themselves and their loved ones the pain of their continued existence.  I know that’s how my thought process worked. In those dark days, I believed that my choice/s were protecting my loved ones. 

I am very glad to still be here.  I’m glad I had a fingernail grip on the edge of the cliff and managed to clamber back on up. 

I just thought I’d add my thoughts the the posts going around at the moment.  I hope no one minds.

12 Year old Boy Attitude

Last night I did something I have been putting off for a VERY, long time! Please get your mind out of the gutter people.  It’s not sex.

I let Boy Child have a friend sleep over. That’s right, I had two 12 year old boys in my house over night.  I must say there was not much sleeping going on.  The term sleepover is a complete misnomer.  They were still awake, talking and laughing at 1.20am.  And that was when I finally went to bed.  Then they were up again about 7.30a.m.  Given Boy Child has spent a lot of the school holidays sleeping until midday (gotta love those hormones), he has had a lot of 12 Year old boy attitude today.

Now this attitude has extended into some disparaging comments about my parenting.  Things such as ”You just want us to take her because you are too lazy” after I asked Boy Child and Friend to take Girl Child to the park. I don’t know…I think the fact that they had been playing video games for around 2 hours may have had something to do with my request.    They did go to the park…for about 10 minutes. 

When I told Boy Child that he couldn’t do something with Friend this afternoon there was more attitude.  Come on guys you have been together for over 24 hours straight by this point.  Plus we had things to do this afternoon.

Unfortunately, Boy child wasn't not thrilled by news of what I had planned for this afternoon.  You see, we were doing a test run of the bus route to school. Now Boy Child is still not that impressed with the school he will be attending for High School or with the fact that he will need to catch the bus.

Maybe it’s a ASD thing, a general perception thing or just a him but apparently he hates public transport.  Which is am improvement on he hates all motorised transport. So the whole bus thing was always going to be an issue.  I had planned to start this in the October holidays but time got away from us and Boy seemed to be of the impression that we would let him go to the local school. Every time I mentioned it he would become angry or upset.

Image from http://www.earthdocumentary.com/sydney.htm

While we were away in Sydney recently, we caught two buses so apparently Boy knew all about it.  Pity he didn't seem to know that you needed to catch the bus on the opposite side of the road in order to go in the opposite direction, or that when I said we would need to be on the bus for about 35 minutes it would take, umm about 35 minutes, or that a few different buses run along the road where he will need to catch the bus home from school so he will actually need to know which bus number to catch.

He now seems to know what he is doing although I will do a trial one with him by himself and us meeting him somewhere before school.  According to Boy Child no other parents would make their kids have a trial run on the bus and I’m just paranoid form making him do it.  I’m also mean for asking him what bus number he needs to catch. 

I’m the only mother you have. Sadly I think he has put some thought into that.  He did say he could pretend to be an orphan and get a new mother.

Yeah whatever, kid.  These 7 weeks of holidays seems to be taking forever.  I think I’m going to be glad when you go back to school. Either that or I’ll take up drinking (maybe even both.) Regardless, I love you!

What? I’m stylish?

One day a long, long time ago (pre floods and the other heartbreaking events) I was passed the Stylish blogger Award by Kylie aka Mrs P.  Kylie has a really great blog and takes gorgeous photos.  Check out her her header and her A Pic A Day posts to see some more.  Thank you Kylie!

To play I have to -

* Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award.
* Share 7 things about myself.
* Pay it forward to 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
* Contact those bloggers and tell them about the award.

Seven things about me...I think I will talk about my fashion sense or lack of it!

1. You may already know that I am a jeans and T-shirt girl. I thought I should make it clear.
2. I rarely wear make-up and am fairly bad at doing it.  Which helps explain why when Girl Child needs makeup for the dance concert I have great difficultly.
3. I wear runners (despite the fact I don’t actually run) or boots unless I am wearing a dress or skirt.  Last year I branched out and bought a pair of ballet flats.  Now I didn't go for the sparkly type no, these are basic denim. And I have actually worn them! Yes I am impressed with myself.
4. I often wear Mr E.’s T-shirts. They are quite large on me but I seem to forget to wash my shirts and he seems to have way more than I do. 
5. The majority of my T-shirts are I.T. branded  that MR E. has been given which don’t fit him.  He has T-shirts from Think Geek and Jinx.
6. I bought a dress in November for a work Christmas party.  The party was cancelled due to Girl Child having chicken pox.  I did wear it on Christmas Day and hopefully we will be having a work function in February or I can wear it again then as well.
7. During the December 2010 Chicken Pox epidemic (okay just one case) I spent a significant number of those 14 days in my pyjamas.  Why bother getting dressed when you can’t leave the house?

So now that you know more about my less than stylishness I am handballing this on. Here are some of the he stylish bloggers that I currently read (some new and some less so but all high on my list):

1. Pink Patent Mary Janes

2. Melissa from Suger Coat It!

3. Heidi from Heaven is a bookstore

4. Thea over at Do I really wanna blog?

5. Simply Me My Reflections

6. Alliecat over at In a Beautiful Pea Green Boat

7. Being Me who posts from a place where life is mostly Sunnyside Up

8. Kristen of  Wanderlust fame

9. Bron with Big Brother, Little Sister

10. Ratz with What Can I Say?

11. Diane from Be still a minute

12. Maxabella from Maxabella Loves

13. Alison over at I'm thinking of starting a blog

14. Allison who has a Life in a Pink Fibro

15. Lucy from Diminishing Lucy

I hope you all enjoy this award.  You are all very stylish bloggers and I’m proud to know you all!

Fat to Fit 20 January 2011

Here I am again doing Fat to Fit with Lucy. I haven’t participated since 16 December and surprisingly I survived Christmas / New Year etc. with a gain of only 600gms.  ONLY 600 gms, you say? Well I’m proud of it.  I’m sure it could have been a lot worse.

Last time my goals were:

1. To finish tidying the family room.  Do I sound like a broken record yet?  If this does not occur there will be no Christmas Tree! DONE!!! Admittedly the tree did go up quite late but it still went up and the family room was clean briefly.
2. Use the treadmill for 20 plus minutes or walk the dogs 4 days of the week . Ah, no.  Let’s move on shall we?  Actually, I did do part of the Zumba game twice and played a Fighting game twice as well.  Muscles ach after that.
3. Go to bed before 10.30 pm at least 3 nights of the week. Done. 
4. Try to eat less processed food. Have salad stuff to eat for lunch and will aim for at least 3 days for that. Yes, I managed to do this for about 2 weeks and while I was away I did it as well.  Just don;t ask me about the food while driving.
5. Play with / spend some quality time with the children. YES!!! I did it and have kept doing it.  Although I am struggling trying to get Girl Child to understand that I actually do need to work (paid work) as well as play with her.

So all in all not too bad.  And better than I expected, in parts.
My aims for this week are:

1. To keep the Family Room tidy.
2. Exercise on the Treadmill, by playing the Zumba or Fighting games or by walking the dogs at least 4 times a week.
3. Go to bed before 10.30 pm at least 3 nights of the week. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping again so this is a priority.

Yes, I know it’s a short list but I’m tired.  Good Night All.

Just dropping by

To say…Hi.  Really that’s all there was to this post.  I went interstate for to visit relatives for a few days and I only got back last night. I was going to just say hi and then write a post on what we did etc.

Until I discovered this morning that Lulu (from Lulu and the Cyclone and an Unperfect Life) had passed away.  Her family lost Amy (Lulu’s sister) last week and held her funeral on Friday. Then Lulu also died.  That’s 4 children without mothers and when you add Lori’s Tony it’s 6 children who have lost a parent in the past little while.  People I have never met but who’s lives have been shared through blogs.  And I’m sad. 

The floods have mostly abated (in Queensland and NSW, that is) and the clean up for some has begun.There are families who are have lost so much. Family, friends and possessions to name some.  I know Victorian’s are still bracing for more floods and I hope that the warning for them is enough to help save lives.

So this post is not the post I was going to write but I thought maybe if I cleared my head I could sleep tonight without all this grief and loss preying on my mind.

I think that the image I finished my pensive ramblings post with was premature.  So instead I give you this:

From We Heart It

So…Australia is a soggy, sodden,mess

Compared to the devastation of the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami, what is currently happening in Australia seems minor to an outsider.  When you think that Queensland is 75% underwater and they are saying 5 states will be flooded/flooding by the end of this week , then things looks pretty grim. I hope the floods will not harm the rest of Australia the way they have devastated Queensland.

There are pictures of cars and houses being swept away but this is the photo I want to share:

 

A baby named Montana being carried from a helicopter by a member of the Defence Forces is one of the iconic images of the Queensland floods. The original photo was taken by Jack Tran on Tuesday 11 January at Gatton after Montana was evacuated from Forest Hill.

This and things like it are the things that I would remember from this disaster. The way Australia is gathering around and supporting each other, the way others are donating money and volunteering.  My heart goes out to those who have lost family members, friends, houses and /or  livelihoods.

Also for those who don’t know; Lori posted an update on Monday that her husband Tony has passed away.  My thoughts are with her and her family as well.

Pensive ramblings

Earlier, (on Friday actually) I was writing a post  about how 2011 was going for me and how I was doing instead of trying and the things I have actually done to met my goals. Then some news was blogged about a Australian Mummy Blogger’s husband was in ICU. Many bloggers I read rallied around.  Prayers are being sent and money is being raised Australia wide and even overseas.  Then I read that a different Blogger’s sister had died suddenly.  I’m so very sorry for these families and I think of them often, just as I think of those who lost family members and friends recently as well.

I’ve been happily surprised at the out pouring of support for these two families.  Happily surprised, I guess because I have a low opinion of human nature, of expecting people to talk the walk but not actually walk the walk.  This outpouring of support has shown that people do care about others.  That people can be friends without having ever met, after having just emailed or chatted on line. 

So I’m opening up my life to you bloggy peeps.  Will you be my friend?  Are you already my friend and I have just had you in the wrong box (one labelled acquaintance or blogger instead of friend) and how do you tell the difference? How on earth does friendship  work when you never actually met?

Right.  Now I have once again shown how warped interesting my thoughts on friendship are back to the subjects at hand. If you have never read Lori or Lulu, maybe you could drop by.  I’m sure they would both appreciate the support.

It is probably too early for this but sometimes I think we all need this sentiment:

So it’s 2011 – what next?

Lots of the blogs I read have posts showing all sorts of interesting things those bloggers did, said and took photos of in 2010.  Others are making New Year’s Resolutions and some really prolific motivated people are even doing both!  So what I am doing?  Well instead of a 2010 wrap –up or highlights/ lowlights post or a New Years Resolution Post I’m stealing Pink Patent Mary Jane’s idea of a New Year plan with goals.

While I really like PPMJ’s goals, I figure I should really choose my own.  After all I’m not going to be in Paris!

So here are my 10 goals for 2011:

1. To not sweat the small stuff.  Now despite the book sayingit’s all small stuff,  I don’t actually believe that. I think I let too much get to me  way too often.  Hopefully then I will not be stressed / worried / distressed as much as I have been in the past.
2.  Get more organised aka Procrastinate less. Seriously, this is something I want to work on.  Last night (yes, on NYE) I doing work because I needed to have stuff done by 1 January.  It was stuff that I could have done at anytime in the last week but no, I left it right to the last minute!  Okay, not literally but fairly close and it was a real wake up call.  I need to get my head in the game and then the rest will follow.
3. Spend more quality time with people I care about. Whether it’s a coffee with a friend or a board game with the children, I want the people I care about to know that I care about them.  Even if that quality time is just a 10 minute phone call, I want to do more with people I care about. 
4. Get some health and  fitness mojo.Start with 5 or 10 minutes and work up to at least 30 minutes 4 times a week hopefully more. I got a zumba game for Christmas so I plan on using that for a start. Now Boy Child is eating more normally we can eat more meals as a family. Healthier meals, too. Also with Mr E'’s recent medical issues he may actually get on board with a healthier lifestyle.  He even blogged about it so it must be concerning him and that’s a huge thing for him to admit.
5. Reducing my barriers. The BIG brick wall I have around me is not something that I think should be there anymore.  It has had it’s uses but now it’s more of a hindrance than anything.  Or maybe it’s more just something I am used to that I’m now finding annoying.  Anyhow it’s time to work on taking some bricks down.  That may mean some extra deep and meaningful or perhaps so very sharing posts on here.  Of course it may not too.  I might just work on this in real life. 
6. Work on friendships. This is different to the quality time one as this is more along the lines of cultivating and keeping friends. I think Number 5 will help with this one.
7. Catch up with my family more often. Instead of the usual Christmas and a couple of other trips to visit my extended family a year I'm going make an effort to see them more frequently.  I want my children to have strong bonds with their extended family as we have no family here.  I want to visit them more especially as my grandmother is getting older and has more health issues. This is not to say that I’m not going to spend quality time with my extended family just more time will lead to greater opportunity for quality time.
8. More culture. I have this in parts on my Day Zero list but I feel the need for more culture in my life.  Whether that is the theatre, the art gallery or whatever, I want to be more open to cultural experiences.  To go back to broadening my horizons as I used to once upon a time.
9. Greater time for me. You would think that as someone who works at home I would have lots of me time.  Which is true I do have a lot of time for me (or in reality alone). But in this context I mean time for me to do things for me.  To go and get a haircut more than once every 3 or more months. To take a book and go and sit by a river and just enjoy. So I am going to plan to just do stuff for me.  Only occasionally but often enough to know that I have something just for me.  I think that will help me to be a better wife, mother and friend.
10. Do my best at everything. Or as PPMJ wrote “Aim for excellence…. why do it if you don't do it as well as humanly possible?” We(that’s MR E. and I) always stress to our children that they just need to do their best at whatever it is they are doing.  I think I need to take that and run with it.  I need to do my best. Mr E has a T-shirt which says:

$DO || ! $DO ; try
try: command not found

• For non geeks like me it is basically  "Do or do not. There is no try."  I think that is important.  If you are choosing to do something then choose to do it to the best of your ability.

So that’s my list.  What are you planning to do in 2011?  Have you made some resolutions or goals? I hope 1/1/11 was a great start to a great year for you all.