Help...I need to make a decision

Okay people, I have a Day Zero list and on it is to do NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month for those who don't recognise the acronym).

I have enough time to complete the NaNoWriMo within my thousand days but I had also wanted to get all my things marked off before my next birthday which means I need to it this time around. Problem is I have missed so many Write on Wednesday exercises and I have no idea what I'd write about. Is it bad to start a novel completely plotless?

I need to decide in the next 24 hours. I have always wanted to be a writer but I'm too scared to take a leap of faith. Plus my head has been very messy lately and I'm wondering if I even have the motivation.

Help! Do I make an attempt? Or do I just NaBloPoMo instead? Opinions, please!

Write On Wednesday #20

I can't believe how many W.O.W. Exercises I have missed. While a one point I thought I could catch up this is the first one I've managed since exercise 6 back at the end of July.

Here's Gill's spiel about this exercise:
Write On Wednesdays Exercise 20 - Write the words " I thought I saw" at the top of your page. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Write the first words that come into your head after the prompt. Don't take you pen off the page (or fingers off the keyboard). Stop only when the buzzer rings! Do this exercise over and over if you wish. Write beyond 5 minutes if you like, you can link it up as an extra post.

I thought I saw...
The shadow of a smile, a glimpse of the person you were. The one who loved me. The one from before. But I was mistaken. That person is gone. There is no hope, you are no longer here.

I thought I saw... the past sneaking up behind me. Waiting to pounce and repeat the times, both good and bad. I was wrong. You are gone, things can't change. History is done.

I thought I saw... a hint of regret in my smile. Or was it guilt. Or relief. History can't change and you are no longer here. For that I am grateful. I am stronger without you. My life is my own.

Wow. I didn't know how much I'd missed doing these exercises. I may go back and do some of the others I have missed.

Check out the other posts for this exercise over at Ink, Paper, Pen.

I'm grateful for pushing my boundaries

This week I did two things that were outside my comfort zone. I'm grateful that I did these things. While not big in the scheme of things, they were things that I normally wouldn't have tried.

Firstly, I went to a Nutrimetics party. Now that isn't so scary in itself. It was a party held by a friend, and I knew all bar one person there. Thankfully it was a Christmas catalogue party so nobody was going to be touching me. However, I was worried as I had attended the makeup lesson with some of these people and thought that they have have wanted to do maintenance in what someone had once called 'those caterpillars on your face' aka my eyebrows.

I can't think of anything that would have been more horrifying disconcerting than arriving to find that my eyebrows were going to be sacrificed to the goddess of beauty. I had actually made a point of asking on the day whether I was going to be used as a guinea pig before actually confirming I would make it.

It was fine, fun even. A chance to catch up at night without our children. It has even started discussion of a night out before Christmas, without husbands and children.

Now the second thing was with most of the same people. But it scared me almost as much as the fear of recreational eyebrow massacre. It was ... Knitting! Yes my friends, a bunch of people got together to learn to knit. Apparently, according to my grandmother, knitting is a dying skill because many of my peers and younger generations do not know how it do it.
 
So in an effort to stop the skill from dying a peaceful death, someone requested a knitting lessons from one of the crafty people we know. From there it snowballed into a morning tea with a side of knitting and a brief foray into paper craft. For once, I was not a newbie having been taught to knit by my grandmother. Of course while I mostly knew what I was doing I still needed to be taught how to increase, decrease and cast off. But as I actually knew way more than some of the others it was nice to not be the gumbiest person in the room.

By the time the paper crafting came around I was more interested in the yummy food. Somehow I have ended up with some embossed cards and letters. Plus some GF chocolate cake. Now I just need Mr E. to stop laughing about the idea of me knitting.

So my boundaries have been pushed and inhale survived. How cool is that? While I'm on the topic of boundaries being pushed I will NOT be putting a photo of my body (even dressed in my good bra and undies) on the Internet even for a great cause. Oh wait, perhaps in part that's because I don't have a good set of underwear.

However, there are many people braver than me. Today they are sharing why they love their bodies just the way they are. Go check out I Heart My Body 2011 over at We Heart Life.

Have you pushed your boundaries, lately? Do you heart your body?

I'm linking up with Maxabella's I'm grateful for....

We went out

Together without the children! How is that worth a blog post? Well, this is the second evening this year that we have managed it. There was another aborted attempt but there was no sitter required as both Boy and Girl were at a disco. Generally our time out sans children consists of us attending a Christmas function together but the last two years there hasn't been a Christmas function.

The plan had been to attend a trivia night with a group but as that didn't work out we went to see the Three Musketeers. I'm not sure why it was in 3D as I don't think it was needed. There were some cool looking bits but I think 2D would have worked just as well and in Mr E.'s opinion probably better.

It was nice to spend time together just the two of us. We even managed a quick, but late, dinner before heading home. While we love the children sometimes it's nice to be just a couple.

How often do you and your partner get to spend time together, just the two of you? Do you have a regular date time? Or do you just grab the occasions as they come along, however infrequently?

Grateful Saturday 22 Oct 2011

This week, like Lucy, I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for coffee with them, phone calls with them and catching up over morning tea and lunch - check out this post by Leanne. I am grateful for the people who commented on my last post. As you could probably tell I was shattered, completely broken. But with my friends allowing me to brain dump, I'm in a much better place.

As always I am grateful for coffee and for people not thinking I'm a crazy stalker (thanks http://deepfriedfruit.blogspot.com).

I am also grateful to my family. They coped with the crying, desolation and the anger. Especially to a member of member of my extended family who heard a very abridged version of the story and told me that I was the right mother for Boy Child. Wow, it was so unexpected but so what I needed to hear at the time.

So once again, I'm joining in with the Wonderful Maxabella. What are you grateful for?

There is a quote

by Elizabeth Stone which is: “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
Boy Child is Dealing with stuff, both figuratively and literally - mostly figuratively. My heart is bruised and battered. It is not yet broken but it certainly feels like someone has well and truly stomped on it.
I'm surprised that my eyes aren't swollen, as I cried on and off for about 4 hours. Today is a new day. We have a plan. Onward and upward.

It's the stuff in his head we are worried about. Nobody has done anything to him. There are plans in place to deal with this. Dr Jesse wants to see him every week.

Late but still grateful 17 Oct 2011

I was planning on hooking up with the other grateful posts on Saturday but somehow time got away from me and it's Monday afternoon. I discovered that I have a huge amount of things to be grateful for.  Here are just some of the things in the last fortnight.

Family
Both nuclear and extended. I was lucky enough to be interstate when a member of the extended family was having a celebration. We got to spend time with the extended family on a happy occasion.

Family Time and festival shopping
Mr E., Girl Child and I went to a Festival thing on the weekend. It was nice to just be able to wander around and enjoy each others company. At the festive we picked up a fair bit of stuff. Fudge, honey, polish and a dress* for me.

The children
Recently it was a day of remembrance for miscarriage and infant loss. I am grateful that we have our children and that we had it easy compared to many other people.

Friends
Boy Child has people call him to do stuff during the holidays. He caught up with someone he hadn't seen since school finished last year for a movie, he went and did stuff with someone else and was invited for a sleepover.

Girl Child met up with a girl from her class for a play date at the pool. And they sent each other quite a few emails during the holidays. Apparently the 7 and 8 year olds of today don't phone each other they email.

Family friends who allow us to visit, let the kids run riot and feed us too. Someone else's baking always tastes better than mine it seems.

My friends who catch up for coffee during school terms and during holidays.

Mr E. Friends who have invited us out to a Trivia Night.

Ms T. Who is going to kid-sit for us so we can go out to the Trivia Night.

The linky list is closed but I'm still playing along. Did you play along with Maxabella? What are you grateful for this week?

* Now as you may remember I'm a jeans and tshirt girl but it seems that every year in spring or summer I buy a dress. Now when buy it I think that it will be for the work Christmas Function which is generally the only time Mr E. and I get to go out together without the kids during the year. We haven't actually had a work function for 2 years but I have bought a dress I case there is one this time around. It's not a dressy dress so I could probably wear it other times. Maybe even to the Trivia Night.

World Mental Health Week 2011

I missed doing anything for RUOK day as I was away and operating on limited bandwidth.  So I thought I would do a post on Mental Health Week.  World Mental Health Day is held every year on 10 October.  This year Mental Health week started 9 October and runs until tomorrow.  Here is the description from the Australian World Mental Health Week site.

Mental Health Week is all about raising awareness of mental health and wellbeing in the wider community. A critical part of reducing stigma and supporting those with a mental illness and their carers is education.

This awareness and understanding can come from many sources. Throughout Mental Health Week local and regional events are organised by many different communities, not-for-profit organisations, individuals and workplaces. These events, coupled with the information available in the web links, serve to generate discussion about mental health and get people sharing and talking about this important issue.

I will say that I am disappointed with the lack of information on Mental Health at this website. The links they have are for lots of different sites but I could not easily find information about mental health itself. If you do want information, I’d suggest going straight to www.sane.org or the Mental Illness Foundation of Australia.

The Flannel Flower – Australia’s Symbol for Mental Health Awareness From the MCHA site

Some of the blogs I read have done posts for it so I thought I would add those links for your perusal.
Adalita mentions it in her Friday Fitness post.
Pysch Babbler talks about it over at Over Cups of Coffee.
Katrina who is The Organised Housewife even has a giveaway running to coincide with it.
Suzi over at Under the Windmills didn’t post about Mental Health Week itself, but this post shows a positive experience in a Mental Health Unit.
The rest of this post is probably going to be Too Much Info.  It’s because I think Mental Health is very important.  So, after a few deep breaths here we go.
I grew up in a house where one parent drank and one parent had mental health issues.  I’m not sure if Parent 2’s alcoholism was to cope with Parent 1’s mental health issues or not.  It could have been. I remember Parent 1 had depression on a number occasions.  But having discussed my childhood with a few professionals it seems highly likely that Parent 1 had Borderline Personality Disorder. Probably with depression and anxiety as well.
So, where did that leave me?  I grew up as an only child.  Most of Parent 1’s anger etc. was taken out on me.  I grew up with a fear of hands around my neck, issues with kitchen knives and a huge aversion to being called Bitch and being touched. Sometimes I still flinch when people yell near or at me.
I have a propensity for depression.  I am very aware of my issues and try to stop them affecting my family in particular and my life in general. I don’t want my issues affecting my children.  I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle.
Sometimes though, I wonder what I would have been like as a person if I didn't feel that I had to be careful about everything I said or did. 

I blame the Smurfs!

I've been thinking. I'm pretty sure the reason for my need to escape the family last night was not, solely, related to the lack on alcohol in my life. I'm thinking it was related to the Smurf Movie. Yes, I blame those little blue people. Or however that songs goes. And the sugary sweetness that was Smurf movie. La,la, lala, la, la, la da, la, sing a happy song. Or however it goes.

Image from http://www.smurfhappens.com/

After we saw it, I'm not sure how many times Girl Child asked me what was my favourite line of the movie. Apparently hers is when Neil Patrick Harris' character says "I Smurf you." Now I enjoyed the movie and it was a feel good one. There were lots of life lessons - nobody is just one of their characteristics, you need to seize life's opportunities and things like that. Definitely good lessons for us all.

My life has been decidedly unsmurfy lately. It hasn't been bad, no major illnesses or injuries, thankfully no deaths or job losses, just not great. A few (in my head A LOT) of niggly worries. Some of course, of my own making.

Having been away for a few days, we were spending time with my extended family. This always leads me to introspection. Especially when I get comments like "So and So says you are much more open than you were before your mother died." Now that comment was from my grandmother, apparently repeating something else someone had said to her. It's great to get compliments (well that's how I'm taking that anyway) but I always find it tough. I'm glad I'm on better terms with my family now. It's a pity that it took what it took for those relationships to become better. But I'm lucky that I have had the opportunity to change them. To take them to a much more open, friendlier level. But I do still dwell on the past and the things that can't be changed now. I know I wouldn't be me if things had been different, but still the what ifs run through my head.

History however has a way of repeating itself and this is where I come back to the Smurfs. When I was probably a bit older than Girl Child, my grandmother took me to see a movie about little blue people. It was the Smurfs and the Magic Flute. So it seems somewhat fitting that I took Girl Child to a Smurf movie the day after leaving my grandmothers. I'm glad that most of the parallels I see between my life and Girl Childs life are the positive ones.

Having spent time with my grandmother, I'm torn between being grateful that I still have her and worried about how old and frail she is getting. It seems that every time we stay with her she gets sick. Thankfully this time around was what seems to be a virus and she has now recovered. On a previous occasion she ended up in hospital with renal failure. Again I see parallels. This time between visiting my grandmother and visiting my great grandmother. I was 18 when my great grandmother died so I have quite a few memories of her. After this visit I wonder how much longer my grandmother will be around. I hope that my children will get some more time to spend with her, while she is relatively healthy.

Okay, turning off the melancholy now. What things have you done recently that have reminded you of your childhood? in a good way, of course. Now I'm off to bed. I just hope that the Smurf song stops running through my head soon. Ear worm, anyone?

I'm hiding in my bedroom

Is it wrong to want to get away from your family? For some reason today my tolerance level is low and I had to leave before I said something I'd regret (or even worse NOT regret) to my children. Things along the lines of Just bloody leave me alone.

So with Mr E. going out shortly, I'm hiding. I'm not sure what's going on in my head. Part of it is having been interstate visiting relatives. Now while it is nice to catch up, to me it's a bit like having to be on your best behavior 24/7 and not being able to relax. Especially when you are staying with some of those relatives.

That said, the kids were pretty damn good and I was even told how impressed one elderly relative was that they didn't fight during the 4 days. Maybe that's what's going on. They were on their best behaviour too. Now we are home it's time to relax and let it all hang out. Thus, the little niggling things seem so much worse than normal. Because I've been without them and we are slightly on edge.

Does that happen to anyone else? Good behavior while away but then needing to let it all hang out once home? I must admit I repeated parts of conversations verbatim to Mr E. last night just to get some of the stuff out of my head. Maybe that's what the kids are doing too, in their own way.

Hopefully with a good sleep tonight I'll feel better and I'll be better to put the little things in perspective. Otherwise, I think I'll take up alcohol.

Glug, glug, glug. Ahhh.

Cheers!

Versatile Blogger Award

A long time ago, during my blog-vacation, just prior to my real vacation in New Zealand, the lovely Lene who blogs quiet aptly and adeptly at Musings of Another Mother passed the Versatile Blogger award over to me.

Of course, as always accepting one of these awards there are certain things you have to do. So, these are the 3 (thank goodness there are only 3!) things to do.
Firstly, you must thank the blogger who awarded you and link back to them. So just in case you missed it, many thanks to Lene.
Then you should share 7 interesting facts about yourself.
Finally you need to pass the award on to 15 newly discovered blogs.
Given I don't think I'm interesting, I will do my best with the 7 things. Feel free to consider them interesting, boring or just plain crazy.

1. I don't mind shaving my head for the Leukemia Foundation, but I hate regrowing my hair. I look too much like my mother from the time my hair is about an inch long until it gets some decent length on it. This means that some of the photos from our holiday make me cringe.
2. I've recently discovered I don't mind reading an ebook or two. Ebook's have a few advantages over real books. They are much easier to carry than real books and therefore it's easier to start a new one or swap as the mood takes you but they have reduced my ability to relax. You see, I used to relax by reading in the bath. However, I have been known to drop a book or two into the water and with an ebook reader or IPad that is a really bad idea. So, maybe this explains why I'm not very relaxed at the moment.
3. Today I went on a Ferris Wheel with Girl Child. I generally start to feel ill just watching one go around so I was very surprised that I didn't feel extremely nauseous today. However, I really did wish I had both feet on the ground. I think the people in the gondola with us would have preferred their ride more if Girl Child hadn't kept commenting on my possible need to throw up.
4. Today, I was extremely envious of all the extended families out and about doing school holiday things. I find it heartbreaking that my children have no grandparents who are alive or able to do things with them.
5. I am also very envious of my friends who can send their children for a few days (to a more than week) each school holidays to spend time with their extended family. I know 3 families who do this.
6. Since I no longer want chocolate I have discovered that I want other junk food. For example, Cheezels and shortbread but not together. I still eat chocolate occasionally but I don't crave it anymore.
7. After watching Hawaii Five-0 last night, I'm thinking that Alex O'Loughlin could be in the running (with Hugh Jackman) as someone I'd love to spend some time with. With Mr E.'s permission, of course.

Phew. I didn't think I'd actually get 7 things there for a while.

Okay, in my newer blog finds to pass this on to are some who were given this award by Lene and others but I thought they deserved to get it again. And just to share the bloggy love around, here are also some bloggers who I think deserve a little extra bloggy love at the moment.

My list is:
Sarah from People Don't Eat Enough Fudge (I love that blog title),
Gill from Ink, Paper, Pen
Gnomeangel,
Naomi from Seven Cherubs,
Suzi over at Under the Windmills,
Anne from Domesblissity (I made her muffins on Tuesday),
Miss Pink - the Mummy Autobiography,
Sam-O who is Living Life Playing the Glad Game
Jen from Jemikaan,
Penny with another cool blog title - Shhh, Mummy's on the phone (who hasn't said this?)
Alliecat who blogs at In a Beautiful Pea Green Boat,
Corrine - From the daze of my life,
Silver threads of happiness,
The Rhythm Method,
Farmers Wifey

I hope you like getting awards and know how much I appreciate you reading all!