Monday, 14 June 2010

Today I suck…

Yep.  It’s not Autism that sucks rocks in our family today,  it is me.

I’m not sure I’m going to leave this post up.  It makes me feel bad about myself as a mother and a person.  I feel judgemental. But I needed to get it out and now it’s out I feel so stupid. Maybe it just because today would be my mother’s birthday, maybe it’s because we have this discussion about apologies a lot.  Please don’t be too harsh.  I know I screwed up.

Let me set the scene.  Out at a cafe for lunch.  Mr E. goes off to a camera store to check some things out.  He is gone a long time.  Girl Child and Boy Child are both getting grumpy.  The bread we ordered comes some parmesan and onion and some garlic.  Boy Child will only eat the Garlic.  Girl Child eats a piece of parmesan and onion while Boy Child eats a garlic piece. Then it happens.  Girl Child grabs the only other piece of Garlic bread. Normally there are 3 of each but some reason today there are only 2 garlic pieces.

Boy Child will not eat the parmesan bread. He wants the piece of Garlic bread.  Girl Child won’t give it up.  I suggest they that share.  They both refuse.  At this point things get heated.  Apparently she says Nah, nah at him and in retaliation he shoves her, hard.  I take his DS off him.  And tell him he can have it back when he apologises to his sister. 

Mr E. wanders in with a new video camera.  Asks what is going on and proceeds to play with his new toy. I explain and again ask Boy Child to apologise.

“I’m asking you to apologise to your sister or you can’t have your DS back.”

“What’s the point of saying sorry?  It’s not like I’ll mean it.  Nobody means it when they say sorry!”

And so it went on.  I cried and went for a walk around the block.  Very adult of me.  But wait it gets worse.

When I get back Mr E. asks how I am.  I’m still angry and upset and I say:

“I just wanted him to say Sorry.  I don’t want to have raised a sociopath.” *

WT?  How the hell could I say that? And in front of him? Boy child is angry and crying.  I start to cry again.

What a mess! I’m supposed to be the adult.   I’m the one who sucks today, not Autism!

I apologised to him, he apologised to his sister and got his DS back.  We all had an okay lunch. But I still feel like absolute garbage. 

*I meant sociopath like antisocial behaviour NOT like serial killers etc who I would consider are psychopaths.  Of course that differentiation isn't there when you are 11.


PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

Don't be so tough on yourself E. Parenting's hard and it's normal to say the wrong things every now and again. You tried to keep things in control, it didn't happen and stuff happened.

Being an adult's a tough job sometimes. Today you might have sucked - but we all suck at some stage. Tomorrow you won't. Hugs x

Melissa@Suger Coat It said...

Chin up lovely. You were a demonstration, I'm sure, of what a genuine apology looks like. And you had to suck to do that. That is parenting, in my opinion.

Kakka said...

There is no right or wrong with parenting, you just survive sometimes and other times you are the best. It's like yin and yang, you can't have one without the other. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are human and a fantastic mother - and that was one moment in a lifetime. All parents have them, I know I did. No judgement here - just support and friendship and cyber hugs. xxx

Stacey @ Say Something Stacey said...

E it's ok we all have those moments as parents we want to take back. Remember that you were able to step back and and correct yourself that is a good thing.

You're not a terrible person or mother you're great!

Wanderlust said...

We all have those days. Parenting can try us to our very ends, like nothing else. Don't beat yourself up. You can always go back and talk to him later when you've both cooled off a bit. I've done that with my kids. xx

Lisa said...

I must work out a way to solve that particular fight. Haven't done so far, and it's a regular one here, complete with the Nyah, nyahs.

Speedy does eat anything, Curly very limited. Any why *should* Curly get all of the most-favoured food just because he refuses to eat the other? Speedy says it's not fair, and wants his fair share of the most-favoured. Curly says it's not fair, because he can't eat the other foods and Speedy can.

Huge amounts of jealousy behind it, which accounts for the nyah nyahs.

I've also been battling the 'I'm not sorry' for years. Especially with Dreamer, who is absolutely clear in his head that he is justified in hitting back if his brother has annoyed him. He's not sorry at all for what he considers justifiable behaviour, so making him say sorry means nothing. At one stage I was so frustrated that I sat him down and lectured him on the laws of our society. I told him that once he got old enough, that would be assault, and he could be jailed for it, no matter *what* provocation and what he felt was justifiable, the law didn't care. The law says you can't hit/push/shove/assault other people. Oh, and an apology (heartfelt or otherwise) means nothing to the law.

I've said some awful things, when I've been hitting my head against a brick wall, and I hope they have been forgotten/forgiven, but I probably won't ever know.

alliecat said...

A tough one, making a kid apologise, when as so eloquently put, they won't mean it. And I know what you meant, you want to raise a caring considerate person who can suck it up and apologise to someone else, even if they dont mean it, because it will make the other person feel better and smooth a situation.

We all say things in the heat of the moment, and your apology to him was important. It's not easy apologising to your kids, I have done it too, but it's important for them to see we are all human and make mistakes and aren't too proud to admit to it.

Don't beat yourself up, parenting is the hardest job in the world, and I can only imagine the extra challenges that a child with ASD must bring. xxx

Anna said...

We have all said things that we don't mean. Don't be hard on yourself. I know how it makes you feel though.

E. said...

Wow. Just Wow!

I hope you all know how much I appreciate your comments. I hope that Boy Child can (or will see some day) that I am doing the best I can.

Do any of you want to adopt me? I need some real life friends who actually get this stuff!

SoyMamiYMas said...


You are a great mom, which doesn't mean you'll never make mistakes. The big take-away lesson is that you own yours; lesser parents don't. Your children will remember THAT part, and will be better people for it.

Being Me said...

I think it's something in the air this week?? I suck at it today too. I totally agree with SoyMamiYMas as well - the fact that you are real is FAR better, in terms of not being this shining perfect example whose shit doesn't stink!, IMO. Surely you know people who were raised by parents who never make/made mistakes? It's excruciating to be around! Chin up. I'd be happy to join your club - much better than that *other* one where you don't get to even realise you are gonna suck some days ;)


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