Tuesday, 8 March 2011

I have lost my sense of self

I have no clue who I am anymore.  And I’m not even wanting to eat chocolate!  How sad is that?

The other morning I woke to Talking Heads – Once in a Lifetime. 

Now the words that have been ringing in my head ever since are:

And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?

So…. how did I get here?  How do I work this?

And most importantly who the hell am I?

When you have children and they are little and completely dependant on you it seems that you become mummy and nothing else.  But my children are 7 and 12.  They aren’t helpless and dependant anymore.

I work.  Admittedly I work from home part time and have flexible hours but I work.  It’s a role in business admin which I guess I fell into.  I’ve been doing this for about 6 years.  Before that I did 14 years of mostly finance in the 'Public Sector.  I actually won’t like finance or admin very much.  It’s something I fell into because I apparently had an aptitude for it.  Although I’m not sure the accountant would agree with that at the moment.

And I think that’s part of the problem.  The career I have fallen into I seem to be screwing up at the moment.  Plus working at home means I generally don't have adults to speak to during the day and I don’t feel as though my work is appreciated which tends to happen if you work for yourself.  And of course if I’m stuffing up my work  probably isn’t appreciated but I do actually have it from a good source I'm not stuffing up much, unfortunately it feels like it! 

But I really think the thing that has sent me into this downward spiral, is the fact that after 6 years volunteering on the P&C (and 1 year on the board) at School I will not be volunteering from them anymore.  You see, being the Book club coordinator or just on the P&C or Board has become part of my identity.  But from the end of this week I will no longer be book club coordinator or on the board and that part of me will be gone.  Part of this is that I am burnt out but also partly to do with the dynamics of the school changing and Mr E. and Boy Child basically banned me from continuing to volunteer at Girl Child’s school.  I was getting very annoyed  a little frustrated and it was affecting my family.

So what will I do with my life?  Well there is always the housework but I mean what do I do for me?  For E. as a person?  I should do the housework, I should finish the MYOB course I started but neither of those things would help define me.  Or at least I hope not.

Help!  Without the school stuff, who am I?  I know I’m a serial volunteer and I will still be helping in Girl Child’s class.  But that’s different.  And I WON’T be a canteen Mum unless Girl Child is getting a lunch order.

I need to redefine who I am.  And that’s a scary thought.  Any ideas?


Melissa *Suger Coat It* said...

You'll find a new niche to fit in to. It doesn't make this less of a challenging time though, I get that.

But remember, you are not a job, or a volunteer role or anything else like that. You are generous, loving, bright. Those are some of the things you are. The rest, is temporary, it always was.

heavenisabookstore said...

Take some time just for you. Find out what makes you happy. I love what I am doing, but I am going back to school bc heaven forbid I hate it or long for something else in twenty years. I want to make sure I am ready to switch if necessary. I know my loves are books, writing, design, websites, photography and fabric scrapbooking. What are yours? It's ok to be selfish and find out.

Madmother said...

A Madmother visitor? Come have a holiday and take time to think?

You will be who you are, you already are that person and your roles do not define you. They just give you something outside yourself to focus on.

Being Me said...

I always think, you can't ask others to define you - that is just setting yourself up for disaster down the track sometime!

This period of time is good, it's necessary. It's a zero point of emptying out - the very big challenge for you will actually be NOT to fill it in (with mundane other things just because you have the time now or feel guilty for not having finished them before, etc etc)..... How about just "be"? Spend some time journalling? Sitting still and seeing what comes of it? xx

Leanne said...

Just by allowing yourself to open up to new opportunities and being totally open and welcoming of a fresh start will help. It's amazing what comes your way when you open the door.
What made you really happy as a child?
What brought you joy?
Is there something hidden in your inner child that you could explore?
Best wishes for the head shave!
It hasn't happened yet has it?
Remind me of the date ...

Leanne said...

OMG - it's tomorrow! As I hold my friends hand through her head shave, I will also think of you and your multi-coloured locks. Best wishes!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm still going though the process of adjusting to the being a mummy bit, so a small part of you rather envies your dilema. Although on the other hand, it did wean me off being a bit to invested in my job, I think. Anyway, good luck, and have fun finding out!


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